Dreb Bits


How actually hard to be a father? Not going to be a father yet, though hopefully in the future, but for the purpose of trying to figure out why in the world my own father is such out of the context.

I can’t shake off the fact that he is incapable with his very capable body of carrying out the tasks that a father should. I know no one is perfect but at least one should try to be.

Ever since, I have weak communication with him while living under the same roof. Let’s say my dark past has something to do with him. He is not entirely how he was compared before though, now is a little okay, but I couldn’t see any clear signs that he make up for what he did before, most especially keeping his fatherhood job. Of course I am not asking him to do all as we are very much willing to back him up but there has to be an effort first. Could you just imagine how I crave for someone to look up to that knows how to stand up and be a man for his family.

I hate how he’s a drunkard. He smokes and he drinks a lot. His youth has gone way past for him. I just wanted him to think of the family first. It seems like he’s much happier with his friends around because for him the family puts too much burden and pressure, where in fact I, personally, would just like to see that he has to show care for family esp. for mom. Not just when he feels like doing it or when he’s under the spell of beers.

I could say I care less for him as oppose to how massively thankful I am for my mother. She stood as half father while everything was chaotic before.

Still clueless of what fatherhood is. For some, the experience with their father figure might be surreal and heaven. It’s just sucks for me. Or in this life, I have been challenged to travel a path to become someone who knows to be a man by having someone who shows you the other way around.