What Had Been and What’s Coming (Pt. 2)

A continuation of my year end self review. This time about my identity and where I see my self going.

Identity

There’s so much things I want to tell and to just let it all go. Everyday its in my head but in the end it always settles down to this thought – I lost myself in the space, confused and unprepared for the world.

I can’t find words that describe what it is that exactly what I want to tell. But I’ll try to find them as I go over writing this or I might able to discover it by reading between the lines.

Okay.

I always confuses my self most of the time in almost all the situations I’ve got my self into. I couldn’t able to come up firm decisions that it always have to end up the other party have to decide it for me. There’s this masculinity hormones that are running low in my system and I’m not cool with it. Why? Because my brother is the completely opposite of what I am. He’s tough and can take risks and as hell do whatever he like. He might lack neurons that can come up a multimillion idea but he is smart in his own way. Most importantly, he stands firmly and his fists are ready for whoever blocks his way. And I would rather have that than a guy who knows how to create a proposal but can’t break down walls.

I’m more close to my mother and two sisters. Relevant factor as far as my soft features are concern. There’s more of it than the other. Personally, I want the other way around or it has to be the other way around to begin with.

You get the picture. I’m definitely not man enough to be a man. I’m weak and I don’t exactly know what I am in this world. If we go back to talking about my career, this is the very reason why I can’t proceed with almost all my undertakings.

I lack consistency.

I doubt my self ahead.

I can easily pick persons to idolize and dissolve in their world.

I’ve ruined someone somehow.

My dedication is like a flickering bulb – sometimes its glaring, sometimes its totally blackout.

Last year made me realized all these craps. A friend told me that I keep on aspiring to become something that I’ve seen from someone. She’s damn right. Its a critical hit on me. Then I realized if I ever have principle in life then why I keep on wearing someone else’s shoes. I get that we need inspirations to generate motivation but somehow I overdid it. And instead of inspiration, it turned out to be imitation.

I want to crack my head open and cut all of these loose. But that’s not how life would allow us to solve things. I’m going to find a way out because there is a way out. This is where I mentioned where I see my self going. If they’re all weren’t solved where I am now, I gotta find the answer somewhere else. Something that I must try and Its what my guts is telling me the whole time. If I can’t make a move now, there might never going to be a chance for me to know the answer.

All of these lead to one thing that is missing in me – experiences. And I know normal people do get experiences with where they are and what they’re currently dealing with but somewhere inside my head keeps on telling me that going far away from my comfort zone might help ironed my identity and that I can boldly say I know my self more than anyone else.

Its going to be scary but I’m more scared to have all of these shits with me forever.

Mid this year I’m going to take a leap. Again, its scary but less scary with preparations ahead. Big thing that I certainly look forward to. I never want to lose this chance which I did once. I’m not saying it could be the ONLY way to find what’s the hell is wrong with me and I am definitely not using this as an excuse to go just where ever I want.

Sigh.

I’m a complicated person. Though I still find a piece of me that I know about but I wonder how it is to be whole. Its a new year so we have a chance to go chase the life we want and that make us feel complete.

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